he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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