Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
