and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
