I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
