Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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