So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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