I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
