my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
