I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
