You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
