I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
two words: eviction party
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
