cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
