What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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