I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
