my phone needs a breathalizer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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