respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize