i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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