He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
