i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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