Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
