We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
