atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
