She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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