he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
