you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
