Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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