Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
