just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
