Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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