I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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