I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
