I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
