Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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