Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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