Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
