are you still at the devil's house?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
