meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
