it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
