before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
