Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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