apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
