the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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