so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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