he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize