my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize