Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
whose parrot is this?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
