if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize