someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
