God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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