I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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