I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
