Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I die, sorry about rent.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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