I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
