i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
