He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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