I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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